07 April 2010

Jael. In a Tent. With a Spike.

Excerpt from
Supernatural Hypocrisy: 
The Cognitive Dissonance of a God Cosmology
by
Kelli Jae Baeli
{website text in red, my comments in black}

During some research, came across this page. It's the most hateful, war-mongering, misogynistic, atavistic, hate-crime supporting, and sickening example of Christian brainwashing I've ever seen. And it's intended for kids.

This is the kind of guy who reads the Left Behind novels with demented glee.

KID'S BIBLE STORY--  Lesson prepared by: 
Steve Van Nattan:
Blessed Quietness Journal

JAEL--A LADY WHO USED WHAT SHE HAD IN HER HAND

…the same thing in her head and heart. Something sharp and deadly.
In the fourth chapter of Judges, in Jerusalem, near Mount Tabor, a military captain named Sisera stopped at the tent of woman named Jael, and hid in her tent after battle. She brought him something to drink, covered him with a blanket, and he laid down to rest. Soon, she crept into the tent and drove a tent peg through his temple and into the ground.

Cue the chorus of angels, as we give thanks to our blessed loving God.

Now, in the discussion of this story, aimed at children, mind you, the prick who wrote this page, is one Steve Van Nattan, who revealed his true nature, and illus-trated in disturbing fashion, how Christian zealots are corrupting young minds in the service of their hideous God.

 War is a thing God does not like.  People get killed, and that pleases Satan.

I laughed out loud to that one. If you've read any of the volumes in this book, you know that this is a blatant lie. There are plenty of examples of war-mongering on the part of God. But of course, Christians can always blame Satan for anything that might cause a stir with rational, compassionate people.

But, sometimes wicked men attack godly people, and God calls for His leaders to stand up and fight the enemy. God wants good godly men to defend their homes and God's saints. When evil men attack the homes or land of godly people, then it is necessary for the godly men to kill the wicked men if they will not go away. Wicked people have no rights.

And who gets to decide who is wicked? People like Steve Van Nutjob? Or any of the hundreds of other misled Christians who kill in God's name?

War today is not always fought for these reasons…so you should not join the military of any nation in the world today. Soon, all the soldiers of the world will give their strength to Satan's man, the Antichrist. Don't help this in any way, even though you will be taken to heaven before it actually happens.

And I'm sure there are plenty of God-loving Christians who will push the button to make that happen.

In the story of Barak and Jael, did you notice how timid Barak was. God intends for men to lead.  That was true with Abraham who went and rescued his backslidden nephew, Lot.  Men were strong leaders many years after Barak's day with Samuel, King Saul, King David, King Solomon, and all the kings of Judah.  David had 400 mighty men who were fearless in defending Israel and their families.  One of David's men jumped right down into a pit to kill a Lion on a snowy day in the winter.  Jehu defended Israel against Satanic witchcraft when he killed all the prophets of Baal.  Elijah killed 400 prophets of Baal with his own hands down by the river.  Elijah didn't ask someone else to do it. 

Killing, killing and more killing. This makes you righteous. See how this brainwashing thing is done? Align the young minds with a sense of duty to this ubiquitous God, and then arm them, and then tell them it's okay to do just about anything as long as they feel it's God's will.

It is also true that Jesus called men to defend their homes and the Church.  He called disciples, and he taught them to be strong men and defend the saints and their families.  Just before He went back to heaven, Jesus told His disciples to carry a sword to defend themselves against wicked men and bandits.  The Apostle Paul was a fearless man, and he trained young men to be spiritual soldiers and pull down Satan's strongholds.

Again, who decides how to define, how to defend, when to defend, and who to defend against? Who is wicked? What are Satan's strongholds?

I want to talk to all you boys:

If you are a boy, and you are born again, you will be called on by God, over and over in your life, to defend your home, your church, and even neighborhood people who are being attacked by Satan. That is YOUR job, and God expects you to stand up for righteousness immediately when evil pops up in front of you. Ask your Dad and Mom to help you find a man who helps people be delivered from devils so that you can hear how Jesus uses His strong men to help sinners.

No. Ask your mom and dad to take you to a secular psychologist and a deprogrammer, because you are the serial killers of the future. This reminds me of Jesus Camp. And by all means, tell these little boys to seek out adults who kill and maim and torture for God.

My son was in Walmart one day. He was in the computer section, and there was a very muscular young man standing nearby. A sodomite came into the computer section and started talking to the muscular boy. The sodomite asked him all sorts of ques-tions about how he did his body building exercises.  My son realized that the young man did not understand that the sodomite was "hustling" him, and my son was about to go over and stop it.

Well first of all, this nutball doesn't know his Bible like he thinks he does. As I've shown, sodomites were NOT homosexuals. This is a mistranslation, a perpetuated lie, and a convenient excuse to exercise the hatred that some Christians carry around inside themselves.

But the young body builder beat Dan to it.  The sodomite said to the muscular body builder, "Well, you sure are good looking."  My son said that the young man got a sud-den look of amazement on his face which immediately turned to rage.  Then, --POW--, the young man hit the sodomite so hard that the sodomite flew right straight back and landed in a heap on the floor.  Dan grinned at the Walmart clerk standing nearby, and everyone agreed that they had wanted to do the same to the sodomite.  Good godly Christian men are filled with joy when an evil person is stopped from doing more evil.  They do not stand around and whine about the "rights" of evil men.

Notice that punching someone in the mouth was the answer. Not, "I'm not gay, so buzz off." Violence was the solution, and JOY was the result. Joy, stemming from a self-imposed piety and righteousness based on lies, mistranslation and hatred.

You see, there are times, not often maybe, but times when we have to get violent enough to stop evil. 

See? Violence is okay if you're doing it for God. This is what the Bible teaches Christians, and this is what the adult Christians are training the children of the world to do. If one of those little boys reads this and sees a man he believes is gay, he is very likely to borrow his daddy's gun and shoot him in the head. But that would be okay, because he'd be killing a sodomite for God.

…We have too many wimps in the Lord's church. Don't be like Barak and ask a lady to go along and hold your hand when you should do God's work under His power alone.

Because if you aren't willing to commit violent acts, you are a wimp and you also run the risk of burning in Hell.

Now, I want you girls to pay attention:

I'm already cringing, aren't you?

I want you girls to consider that lady Jael.  Did she get a sword or gun to kill Sisera?  No. Ladies did not join the army in God's Israel. And, a lady has no business in the military today. Going to war is a man's job.  It is dirty work, and a Christian lady should NOT put herself in a dirty place. A real lady can do anything God calls her to do right at home. God brought Sisera to Jael's home. She fooled the rotten king, Sisera. She treated him real nice, and she tucked him in for a nice little nappy poo.

A nappy poo? The blatant glibness of this, in light of what is about to happen, is just sickening. And what is this, 1952? But then, that image is obliterated by the juxtaposition of the submissive homemaker, turning into Xena the Warrior Princess…it's like the Christian Stepford Wives.

Ah, but what a lady!  I sure do look forward to meeting her in heaven.

May I suggest you go look for her right now?
Isn't it funny how all these people who preach the Word, are so sure they're going to be in heaven? Jesus said that most of us won't make it to those pearly gates. The rest will burn in hell. But you know, there's only room for 144,000 of the Chosen (REV 7:3-8).  That's 12,000 from each Tribe of Israel. Are you a member of one of the Tribes of Israel, Mr. Christian-pastor-person? Don't forget to write the names "Jesus" and "God" on your forehead before you arrive (REV 14:1).  Remember to take your Sharpie marker. And you'll have to learn that new song, whatever it is, because you have never lied and are blameless (REV 14:3-5). Oh yeah, and 144,000 is also a significant cycle of time called baktun in the Mayan Calendar.* That's pagan, by the way.

You see, she stayed home and took care of the home

Which is where all women belong. And UNDER you. That's also where they belong. And I mean that in the usual and biblical sense.

while Heber, her husband, was out trading in the marketplace or in the fields planting his wheat. She had to pound those big tent pegs into the ground thousands of times. The Kennite's tents were huge, and they lived in them the same way you live in your home. They were NOT camping. A tent could be fifty feet long and twenty feet wide, and the ropes and tent pegs were huge. The wind would work the tent pegs loose, and they had to be pounded in over and over. The harder the dirt, the better the tent peg would hold.  Are you starting to get the point?

Why yes, I am. She lived a hard life of subservience to misogynistic idiots like you. (He's not talking about Rosie the Riveter, here).

Jael was no skinny little bit of fluff, like the dip heads you see on the covers of Seven-teen! Jael had strong arms. Have you ever seen those pictures of models and Holly-wood starlets? They are skinny little things, and they are too weak to blow their nose.  All they know how to do is cash checks that someone gave them for posing for magazines with not enough clothes on. Shame on those ladies. They are dirty, and you should never want to be like them. 

All models are stupid and dirty. Got it. Wait, Angelina Jolie is skinny, but I've seen her shoot an AK-47, and kick the shit out of a big tough religious zealot. And she does all the work saving children from starvation and homelessness in the region where Jael used to live. Is she still stupid and dirty? And what about the Hollywood starlets who have some muscle and are not skinny? Are they stupid and dirty? What about the models who do the plus size or maternity wear modeling? Are they stupid and dirty?

Girls, you should think about Jael. God wants you to take care of a home,

Once more, how do Christians know about these things that God wants? They can't even agree on His essential nature, which is a contradiction at every turn. What if I say "God told me to go out and get a job so we can feed and clothe our children and pay the electric bill?"

and you should be eagerly getting ready for the home God will one day give you. If you do your work eagerly, you too will become physically strong and spiritually ready to do great things for God.

Yeah like drive tent pegs through the heads of men while they are having a nappy-poo.

Jael used the strength she had. She used the food in her kitchen. She used the tools of battle she had--her mallet and her tent peg. And look how God used her! 

Yes, that's true. God does like to USE people to do His dirty work.


NEVER let any of these feminist scummy wimps belittle you for wanting to keep a home like a good Christian wife and mother. 

Feminist scummy wimps? How about, "Feminism: the radical notion that women are people." (2)

That is a great place to serve God. And, think about this.  What if Jael had been off bowling or selling Tupperware all over town? 

Well, because I don't believe Tupperware or bowling had been invented yet.

She would not have been home. 

Especially if she was off bowling or selling Tupperware all over town.

When Sisera was looking for a tent to hide in, some other lady, who was home where she belonged,

SEE? I told you. Women belong in the home. © 1952.

would have got the blessing of killing this wicked enemy of Israel.

The blessing of killing?

And, what a blessing Jael got!  She had her name put into God's Holy Bible forever!  The Jews will sing about Jael through all eternity. 

Oh! I didn't know you meant the Jews would sing about her! (wait, don't Christians hate Jews for killing Jesus?) And I didn't know she'd end up in a 2000 year old collection of writing by backward misogynistic men from a foreign country! If I'd known that, I would have held that bastard's head down so she could aim properly.

God does not ask you to stay at home and be a faithful wife and mother because you are weak or unqualified.

Unqualified? The only qualification back then was to have a vagina.

You don't have to go out to work some-where outside the home to accomplish a good work for God.

Of course not! You can murder sleeping men right in your very own home. (Hurry. Operators are now standing by).

God made you a girl and a woman, and God has given you the high calling of keeping a home. Men don't do that very well.

Then what's all this stuff I keep hearing about house-husbands and stay-at-home dads?

That is why God likes a real man to have some place to go to work in the morning. 


Yes, Men in the Iron Age loved having that cubicle to go to everyday.

His wife stays home because she is the best qualified to do home keeping. 

Because she has a vagina, and is thus unfit for penis-work.

So, boys--Get ready to defend the righteous without having to have someone hold your hand. Pound the enemy mercilessly,

Like that Gay man or lesbian with the cheek to walk past you on YOUR street.

and be a gentleman to the godly. Learn to use a gun and your fists ONLY for self-defense

But it's okay to use a tent peg, like Jael did, on sleeping people. I'm sure it was self defense.

and to get food for those who depend on you. Don't waste God's creation hunting trophies just to hang on the wall.

No, hunt trophies to hang on GOD'S WALL.

Do NOT learn Karate which is from Buddhism and is pagan.

Um, hello. So is your Christmas tree, Santa Claus, December 25th, gift-giving, mistletoe, Christmas stockings, Christmas dinner, temples. Incense, lamps, candles, wedding rings, Christmas carols, the word "holy" which came from the German, hulis, and meant holly, which was a sacred pagan plant, the Jesus Fish symbol, which was an ancient symbol used by Buddhists and pagans, the symbol of the cross. Altars, vestments, steeples, hymns, prayer posture, and the word, amen. Among other things.

Learn to use the Bible to pound the sodomites 

In other words, kill gay people.

and evil people with the Truth from God.  Ask God to lead you to a girl, for a wife, who LIKES to keep a home.  Don't marry a girl who always talks about "my career."  Don't marry a girl who has been to college, and never get near a girl who has been to seminary.

In other words, don't marry a girl who has a sense of self, recognizes the importance of education and paying her bills, or who learns enough about the Bible to know you're full of crap.

That kind of girl will not take care of your home, she will run all over town playing the fool, and she will some day divorce you if you happen to lose your job. Watch for a girl who obeys her Daddy and likes to work with her Mom when it is time to get chores done.

Translation: find a time machine and travel back to 1945, kidnap a woman and bring her into this century, so she can live like those in 1000 BCE. Better yet, find a time machine, travel back to 1000 BCE, and then DESTROY the time machine.

Girls, practice being feminine and making your parents' friends comfortable in your home.  Ask your Mom to discuss hospitality, and ask Mom to help you to plan ways you can make your home more comfortable for your family and godly friends. Ask God to help you learn to submit to your Daddy

Even if that means your Daddy has peculiar and upsetting ideas about submitting to him. It's okay if he touches you like that, he's a man of God. Creepy.

so that your future husband will be strong for God because you let him be the head of your home. Keep a notebook, and write down all the things your Daddy teaches you in family devotions.

Even that peculiar touching thing?

Also, in your notebook write things your pastor teaches. Please don't even look at a boy who hangs around home all the time, especially the kitchen, and who won't do hard work. He won't defend you, and he won't be any good to the Lord's Church. He is a wimp! 

Yeah because kitchens are for women, who are wimpy anyway, except when they're wielding tent spikes. And a man shouldn't try to learn to cook or help you clean up, and we all know that keeping house and cooking in the kitchen is easy work, that only women can do. I'm sure Emeril Lagasse would beg to differ.

Watch for a boy who has strong opinions about good and evil--a boy who steps right into trouble when someone needs to be defended. There's your man. Pray for him, and ask God and your parents to see if he is your future husband.

Yes, all women need a man who always steps right into trouble.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO ME?

Oh don't get me started.

What is in your hands that you can use for Jesus? What do you use every day? 

Like that tenderizing mallet from that kitchen you're always in. Isn't there someone you can bludgeon for Jesus?

If you are a girl, you must have noticed how many public school teachers and other folks try to make women just like men. Did Jael stop being a lady to do this great work for God? Not at all-- she was a lady before and after she nailed that wicked old king to the floor.

Yes, I have a clear image of how ladylike that must have been, what with the blood and brain matter splattering all over the tent, and her face.

Boys, are you whining about your responsibilities? Do you have to have someone hold your hand to get a job done? Ask the Lord to give you zeal for hard work--the harder, the better.

Like breaking rocks in the prison yard for hammering a spike in someone's head for Jesus?

Instead of being like the bad boys in your neighborhood who are always looking for trouble,

Wait. Didn't you just say she should look for a boy who "steps right into trouble?"

YOU go around looking for work. Go to the church house looking for a way to help out.

Not only do we want you to live according to this drivel, we want you to work here too, so you won't stray too far from the fold. The smothering, brainwashing, hateful fold.

Never let a lady do a job you can do for her. Never let a lady open a door if you can beat her to it.

Oh yeah? What if she's a lesbian lady? Should you whip out your tent spike?

…Be tough in your arms and hands, but be gentle in your heart. God likes that attitude.

That much is becoming clear. Even the bad attitudes.

Make a list of the things Jael used from her work as a keeper of a home and in the destruction of the enemy.Ask your Dad or Mom to pray with you that you will always be ready to do anything, great or small, when God gives you a chance. Pray that God's Spirit will keep your hands clean

Yes, wash that blood off those hands on a regular basis.

and busy in good things so that you will be strong for the battle when God calls on you.

Why is there always a battle? I thought Christians were peace-loving?

Pray for your Dad and Mom that God will keep them strong for the battles they fight against Satan every day.

Oh I remember Mom and Dad coming home with blood and brainmatter all over them, the severed fingers of gay people kind of tucked here and there, the smell of brimstone, the horn punctures in their sides. But they were always smiling, Mom and Dad. Good times, good times.

Dad and Mom don't always tell you about all the ugly things they have to take care of

Why not? You did. Jael. In the tent. With a spike.

because some things are pretty nasty.  Your Dad is especially a warrior as he goes to work every day where evil people are playing the fool.

Yeah that damn horny Steven, wearing a red leotard with that pointy tail, at the water cooler. What a fool. 

Pray that he will be strong, and you should have a Bible verse, a word of thanks, or a Christian chorus ready to encourage him when he comes home every day.

Yes, break into a pagan chorus and throw pagan mistletoe at him! He'll like that.

I tune pianos to help our home's expenses, and I have to tune pianos in some homes of Satanists and disgusting people. They have dirty mouths and some of them nag me all the way through the tuning.  I seldom have the blessing of getting into a Christian home. 

Oh please come tune my piano. PLEASE.

So by the end of the day, I am tired in my heart, my head, and my back may be sore to boot. 

You poor thing!! All that tweaking of strings must be back-breaking! Is that the hard labor to which you refer?

When I come home, someone always says, "Thank you for going to work for us today, Daddy."

Someone? You don't know who they are? Maybe it's your wife.

That really lifts me up inside.  When I leave in the morning, someone always says, "The Lord be magnified, Daddy."  What a good way to start the work day.  What can YOU do to be a blessing to your Dad and Mom?

I see you've got the little robots all trained to your liking.

Also, would you pray for your pastor as he serves God? 

That's assuming, of course, that all pastors are serving God.

Ask God to keep him strong with mighty hands in the work of Jesus Christ

Killing and spikes and blood, oh my.

Tell him next Sunday morning that you are praying that he will win the war against Satan.

Yeah, that Satan is so powerful that one tiny pastor can win a whole war against him.

Write your pastor's name on a piece of paper, and put it on the mirror in your room so that you will remember to pray for your pastor.
Be strong for God.

Van Nattan's bio on the website reads:

Our Editor in Chief is a former Carpenter
from Nazareth--The Lord Jesus Christ
Asst. to the Editor: Steve Van Nattan

Just a side note, here. Scholars are pretty much agreed that Jesus would not have been a carpenter, but a stonemason. And he could not have been from Nazareth, because Nazareth wasn't THERE during the time of Christ. Just sayin'.

=World traveler - Author   
=No Mail Order PhD :-)  

No, yours is the really damaging kind.

=Approved by only one Fundamental Baptist (I couldn't talk him out of it) 
=Missionary to Ethiopia and Kenya
=Pastor's Training School Headmaster in Kenya 

Yes, let's spread this hateful tripe to other countries, shall we? They don't quite hate us enough.

=Youth camp ministries
=Pastor to four Bible believing churches in the USA
=Piano Tuner

Yeah, you want that piano in tune, so you can sing Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war! Loud enough so God can hear it.

=Cabbage farmer

A vegetable often mistaken for this guy's head.

=Master Web Surfer :-)
=Shortwave DX junkie--BBC being tuned in at the right. The radio is a Drake SW-1

Spreading the gospel of hatred on the airwaves.

>Servant to all but slave of Jesus Christ only
Your editor is also a very dangerous Fundamentalist

I'll say he is.
And I thought he was only the Assistant to the Editor? Oh, Right. Fundies often forget they are not GOD.

Let me just say that I believe down to my very marrow that the religious indoctrination of children is the lowest form of child abuse.

----------------------------------------
(1)Finley, Michael (2002). "Note on the Maya Calendar". The Real Maya Prophecies: Astronomy in the Inscriptions and Codices. Maya Astronomy. http://members.shaw.ca/mjfinley/calnote.htm. Retrieved 2010-04-07.
(2)~Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler
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