The Stuttering Murderer Who Was God's Bitch

Excerpt from
Supernatural Hypocrisy: The Cognitive Dissonance of a God Cosmology

WHILE A PHARAOH WAS ordering all male Hebrew babies killed, the mother of Moses attempted to spare his life by placing him in a basket as a three month old infant, and sending him floating down the river, where the daughter of Egyptian royalty found him and raised him. All very dramatic, but not in the least original.

In fact, this story was originally a Babylonian tale about King Sargon, rendered a very long time before Moses was born. Again, this is a borrowed myth found in the bible, but presented as a unique bit of biblical history.

According to scripture, Moses was a humble man with a speech impediment. God never praised him for his servitude, other than to say "...my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house." (Numbers 12:7). That's why I see him as God's Bitch.

Chosen by God, though he was, Moses was nonetheless a murderer. One wonders why God chooses murderers as his favorites. Moses had killed an Egyptian man for beating a Hebrew man, and escaped once his crime was found out (Exodus 2:11). Maybe the tainted past of Moses is precisely why he was chosen. God wanted him to do some unsavory things. He needed to know he was capable of it.

And he even broke the Ten Commandments—literally. Broke the tablets. When he returned from the mountain, with those big, huge, heavy tablets in hand, and saw the big party going on, he threw them down and broke them in anger (Exodus 32:19). Now, if you had words written “by the finger of God” in your hands, would you thoughtlessly throw them down and break them? Just a postscript. In the famous Rembrandt painting, Moses is depicted holding these two stone tablets over his head, as if they were made of Styrofoam. This would of course be true for Charlton Heston in the movie version, but obviously wouldn’t be true at the alleged event. I just find things like that comical.

Oh, and the story of the tablet? Also previously found in Babylonian myth of Hammurabi. A child is born in secret, the child had to be sent away because of events going on, the child was placed in a basket of bulrushes, sealed with tar and sent adrift on a river, and then the child was discovered by someone who became a foster parent. Just like many of the stories in the bible, this one is no different. There can be found striking parallels to other ancient stories. The birth of Moses is merely one.

Later, Moses gets married and becomes a shepherd, and then sees the burning bush, and it’s God, who introduces Himself and tells him He wants Moses to free his people (The Hebrews) from the oppression of Egypt, and guide them all to the Land of Canaan, where there is milk and honey and all that jazz. But first, he has to take the magical powers God will give him and show the Egyptians, so they’ll let him go, and God also demonstrates a few magic tricks, then gives Moses permission to plunder the Egyptians before he begins the journey.

Moses is still a little hesitant, because he doesn’t communicate well, and has a speech impediment, and God assures him he will be able to do it properly because He will help. Moses is still unsure and this makes God mad, so he says he will allow his brother Aaron, who is well-spoken to relay God’s message, and so Moses can tell Aaron, and then Aaron can do the talking. And what does Moses finally have to say, at the behest of God Almighty? "Israel is my son, My first-born[1] and...Let my son go so that he may serve me, but you have refused to let him go. Behold, I will kill your son, your first born.” So, more killing, sanctified by God.

God then decided to kill Moses, but no one seems to know why, and changed his mind, when the mother of that first-born, cut the end of her baby’s penis off[2] and threw it at Moses.

When Moses confronts the Pharaoh, his parlor tricks weren’t all that impressive, because it seems the Pharaoh’s magicians could do the same things. So what was so special about God giving Moses the same abilities?

Then, Moses turns the river to blood, and the magicians could do that too, so the Pharaoh still didn’t listen. The Nile was polluted and undrinkable, yet the Egyptians lived for 7 days, and maybe longer, who knows, with no water. Egypt, kids, is in Africa. It was hot. Wonder how everyone survived?

Then came the plague of frogs, which the magician’s were also able to replicate.

Then the plague of gnats, and the magicians couldn’t seem to replicate that trick, and thus announced it “the finger of God” finally.[3] The same type of thing happened repeatedly with different plague-forms afterward; from dying cattle, to boils, to hail, to locusts.[4] But notice that with the plague of boils, the repeated phrase, “But the heart of the Pharaoh was hardened” or “but Pharaoh hardened his heart” then became “And the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart.”

Now, if God was trying to convince the Pharaoh to listen to Him, through Moses, then why in the world would He harden Pharaoh’s heart? God was playing his own Devil’s Advocate. Makes no sense.

Then when the Hail Plague was on its way, the bible states that those who did not heed the warning would die. If God wasn’t yelling this from the heavens, how did everyone know about it? Again, a flaw in the plot written by God.

After the hail, the Pharaoh finally got the picture and admitted he had sinned against God. Then changed his mind when the hail ceased. Was God toying with him again?

Next, God sent the plague of locusts (because the gnats weren’t insecty enough, I suppose).

Then finally we see that God was indeed doing all this so he could make fools of the Egyptians and word would travel about how God doesn’t screw around. But why would an omnipotent being need to go through this song and dance when he could have just smote the Pharaoh and left a burning, handwritten message on the floor next to him?

Then the Pharaoh repented again, but God flipped the hard-heart switch and he reneged once more. Then the same thing happened with three days of darkness over the land, and finally, Pharaoh was so flustered by being bandied about by the manipulations of God, that he told Moses to go and take his livestock and his people, and if he ever saw his face again, Moses would die, and Moses said something like “you’re right, I won’t see your face again!” These men were just marionettes for the Almighty.

Then for good measure, God sent one more plague.[5] And it was a doozy. He decided to kill all the first born sons of every family in Egypt, (to include the first born of the animal kingdom present there). Seems God was just as fond of killing first-born sons, as Pharaohs. In this case, when God saw enough blood running in the streets, he would protect the Hebrews from the massacre He Himself rendered. And this, my friends, is known as Passover. The lovely festival celebrated by Jews. A holiday rendered in the blood of innocents. Amen, and praise His name.

This was by no means the whole story of Moses, but with these points in mind, it’s hard to view the Pentateuch[6] as anything other than another myth, unless you instead choose to worship a god of this ilk. And yet, Christians base their beliefs on information of this sort.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [1] That would make Jesus the Second-born?
[2] AKA, circumcision.
[3] Though why it wasn’t the “hand of God” I cannot surmise; perhaps because gnats are small, they assumed it must only take a God-Finger.
[4] Didn’t he already do the insect thing?
[5] He must have been having too much fun and couldn’t help Himself.
[6] The first five books of the Hebrew Bible, also called the Torah. In Greek, the word Pentateuch means “five volumes.”

The Stuttering Murderer Who Was God's Bitch