Whining Pariah

Colorado.......I'm sure there are kindreds out there (I do have a fabulous best friend, 2 hrs away, but i mean OTHERS). I am so anxious to meet all the people in the social groups I've joined online already. The degree to which I want this move is palpable; I can think of little else, and my level of stress reflects my fear that it might be delayed, or--unimaginably--not possible at all.

Here, where I am, I always feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel like the pariah. (Don't forget, this is the Bible-Belt). I feel like most of the people I come across in this region are not on the same page with me...(careful not to sound elitist). I have to change this situation before i claw my own eyes out! I am not usually the pity-party type, but i do feel powerless in many ways, about this, yes....Hell's Bells. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm whining. I hate whiners. lol.





But I HAVE been isolated for a long time. Mostly not intentionally--it just sort of happened that way. I work at home, (so no workplace connections) don't attend church (hiss!), don't have kids, no partner, no family, (no play dates or gatherings or surrogate family) I have already done the college thing (8 years)...so yeah, since those are things that naturally encourage socializing and support networks, and just the ebb and flow of PEOPLE-- I'm in an odd, unfortunate position.

I've spent years having most of my relationships online--and we all know those aren't "real" relationships. I want IN PERSON relationships again. These are ALL good reasons I know i have to relocate to a place where there are diverse things and people--and within reach. As a real estate agent will tell you, it's about Location, location location.

Around here, everything is spread out and you have to drive all over the place to get to something, and then, there's really not that much to choose from. It's like I've discovered I'm a steak, misrouted, trapped and hiding in a baloney factory.

When you are generally from "Southern stock", it's often hard to break free of the brainwashing that goes along with it--though I was one of the first in my High School class to "get the hell outta Dodge." Many here are trained to think in the box, wear blinders, drown the boredom in liquor, and have all their information fed to them, never learning anything new because everything they could possibly need to know was handed down through the generations. ("If it was good enough fer my daddy, it's good enough fer me.") It blinds these people to all the wonderful opportunities and experiences to be had out in the world.

I have been aware of all this for a long time, but am only now figuring out what needs to happen to change the rut--the formula has been all wrong, even if the good intention was there. I tried for a long time to defend the region I've been in for large chunks of my life, (denial) and I kept moving around looking for a place to call home, and I was unhappy in every place I went, until it finally dawned on me---I'm just moving to another place like the last place. I'm always fond of reciting the definition for stupidity to everyone else: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results...then BAM! I'm the stupid one.

Now, I need to shut my pie-hole.

(damn novelist).

Whining Pariah

Anything But Zen

Disclaimer: This post in no way represents any doubt about what i believe as far as religion. This is just part of the journey when you seek the truth. Some of it will be hard for your emotional-self to assimilate. But i believe that solutions exist and writing about it, talking about it, is my way of finding those solutions.

This morning, after letting my dog, Giz out, and making coffee, I went back and opened the door to call Giz in, and instead of his name i just shouted, "Helloooooo!"

A sign of Ginkgo Biloba deprivation? Early onset Old-Timers disease?

Though it is my tendency (or coping mechanism) to make light of things, I think the event was much more troubling to me on another level. I think i have a deep seated-- or maybe Deep-SEEDED -- recognition of a particular Universal fact: I'm alone...there's no one "out there" to save me...but i'm still in that stage of calling out into the void, just to make sure.

On the road of life, there are leaders, followers, and those on the shoulder, trying not to get squished by the first two types who are whizzing by, while they try to fix the flat on their car, that is also just about out of gas...that's me there, with the half empty can of fix-a-flat. (Hi.)

I have always had this "luck" issue. I've felt, as a rule, unlucky. So, naturally (?), religion, popular or esoteric belief systems, motivational speakers, and alleged "Laws of Attraction" have all appealed to me at different times in my life. All those roads led to atheism, for me. I am, and have always been, ethical, though, admittedly, angst-ridden. Even when i take on all the responsibility of making all but ONE thing happen in a given situation--the thing out of my control--it doesn't happen, and I am unable to reach some of my most important goals. This example and others like it have led me to examine this subject more deeply. Since my induction into unbelief, when I feel powerless, there's no one to blame, no one to make deals with, no spells to cast, no one to pray to--it just IS. But this is the embodiment of "isness" that is anything but Zen.

While I am completely onboard intellectually, in this atheistic personal cosmology, I still struggle with the emotional and philosophical aspects. It's like the adult in me made the decision and moved on, but found the child crying, and had to take her by the hand and find some way to reassure her that everything will be all right....that concept, that paradigm, is a metaphor for the larger picture. I am aware of the almost genetic need of humans to have something bigger than themselves, someone in charge, some Universal Parent who gives them a sense of protection and safety. But i know there is no Universal Parent, and this leaves me orphaned near this swirling black hole, and I am on its Event Horizon, nanoseconds away from getting sucked into the nihilistic abyss. How do I reconcile Emotion and Intellect in this matter? How do i frame my personal cosmology? How do i "de-program" my mind from this cultural-psycho-social-childish need for a greater power than myself, from whom I can seek help and comfort?

As I've said, you have to be able to recognize your truths in the daylight before you can find them in the dark. I need to understand this so that I won't have a constant battle inside myself, like one of my gay-Christian friends who believes she will burn in Hell for being gay, yet still worships this god of hers. I would, literally and with literary allusion, be going from the Frying Pan into the Fire.

Does my luck have anything at all to do with my personal cosmology and how I assimilate it, or are they two different things altogether?

Anything But Zen

"Here, Hold my Brain while I Vote..."

I sent around an email quoting Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues." In it, Ensler delineates the many frightening beliefs for which VP candidate Sarah Palin is known. After an exhaustive list that includes Palin's devout creationism stance (which would include believing that the earth is only 6,000 years old, and evolution is a myth). Ensler elaborates:

"Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not. She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference.

This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth. Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be."


When i received a quick response from one person on my email list to whom i sent this information, i saw this even more frightening statement:
"she just got my vote. I believe in guns."

I firmly believe in the right to bear arms--I'm a single female who currently lives alone and I want to be able to protect myself if necessary; and though i have friends who are hunters, I have never had the stomach for it, and am fine buying my meat already prepared for me to cook--I do believe that some animals are here to feed us. It's part of the food chain...BUT.......There is a profound difference between gun owners who use them for protection or to legally hunt in order to provide for their families and thin out overpopulated herds of animals that cause great distress to our ecology, and hunting merely for sport. What does Palin do with the wolves she kills? Make wolf-burgers? Both wolves and polar bears are endangered. What would be the point of hunting then, other than her own sick satisfaction in killing an animal?

And don't even get me started on the creationism/fundamentalist aspects. I strongly believe that extreme religion is anathema to all of us --refer to the repeated violation of our constitution by those who want to teach "creation science" (an obvious oxymoron) in our schools, and the most vivid and horrifying example that has cost us over 500 billion dollars and the lives of thousands of people after 9-11.

Here's some informative tidbits about Palin from Grizzly Bay
which has been online since 2007, long before Palin was selected as VP candidate. Go to the original page for verifying links off this information...

All facts below about Sarah Palin are backed up by links to credible news sources
1) She is opposed to abortion even in cases of rape and incest (even if victims are children)

2) She offered a bounty of $150 for each left front leg of freshly killed wolves

3) She is presently under investigation in Alaska for abuse of power

4) She strongly supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

5) She promotes aerial hunting of wolves and bears even though Alaskans voted twice to ban the practice

6) She used $400,000 of state money to fund a propaganda campaign in support of aerial hunting

7) She is a champion for big oil and her campaign slogan has become "Drill, baby, drill!"

8) She believes creationism should be taught in public schools

9) She believes man-made global warming is a farce

10) She is opposed to listing the polar bear as an endangered species because it might limit oil exploitation

11) While mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire the city librarian because the librarian refused to censor books

12) She supports the Alaskan Independence Party which seeks independence from the United States

13) As mayor of Wasilla, she made rape victims pay for their own forensic evidence kits

14) She is opposed to listing the Cook Inlet beluga whale as an endangered species

15) She obtained her first passport just last year (2007)


Photos of Palin's Killings

Let me say that I am neither Democrat, nor Republican--I am an Independent. I choose my candidate according to whether or not they are best suited for the job of healing this broken country. So this is not a partisan argument. But the level of ignorance this email pronouncement ("she just got my vote. I believe in guns.") illustrates, is, i believe, part and parcel of the thinking (or NOT thinking) present in far too many people in our society. The more cogent points get missed, the deeper ramifications get overlooked, and the skills of discernment and wisdom are shockingly absent. The scariest part of all? These people are allowed to vote.

"Here, Hold my Brain while I Vote..."

BIG NEWS!!!

I was just offered a publishing contract for my novel, Plethora.

I'm excited. All that hard work paid off!

Details pending.

(I still await word from another publisher about a different book.)

BIG NEWS!!!

Richard Dawkins at Lynchburg Women's College (pt. 2)

PART 2: Richard Dawkins reads excerpts from The God Delusion and answers questions at Randolph-Macon Woman's College in Lynchburg, Virginia on October 23, 2006. This Q&A features many questions from Jerry Falwell's Liberty "University" students.

Richard Dawkins at Lynchburg Women's College (pt. 2)

Richard Dawkins at Lynchburg Women's College (pt. 1)

PART 1: Richard Dawkins reads excerpts from The God Delusion and answers questions at Randolph-Macon Woman's College in Lynchburg, Virginia on October 23, 2006. This Q&A features many questions from Jerry Falwell's Liberty "University" students.

Richard Dawkins at Lynchburg Women's College (pt. 1)

The God Banana

On YouTube, recently, a video was posted of a Christian program called "The Way of the Master" wherein the hosts, Ray Comfort and actor, Kirk Cameron gave their argument for creationism based on the "design" of a banana.



Included in their argument were points they said showed that the banana was a product of Intelligent Design, i.e., God. They said the banana is shaped to fit the human hand; that it's color-coded so we know when it's not ripe, when it's overly ripe, and when it's just ripe enough; that it has a handy pull tab, and perforations to allow peeling, and it is sweet, delicious, and nutritious, and even bent toward the mouth so nicely, tapered on the end so it can be pushed in with ease...this was their "proof" for God as Creator of the Universe and all the fruit in it.

Well gang, this is where it helps to know something about science. The wild banana-the one "God" created-was almost inedible. It had hard black seeds inside it. The banana references in history were related to it's original form of plantains. It wasn't until 1836, that a mutant banana was found by Jean Francois Poujot, a Jamaican banana farmer. The fruit was yellow instead of green or red. Cuttings were taken from the mutant plant, and over the years, genetically engineered BY MAN to be what we find in the supermarket today. Since the genetically modified fruit, known as the Cavendish Banana, had no seeds, it had to be grown through cuttings. So there were no God-given convenience factors in place originally, as Comfort and Cameron suggest, nor even did they originate in the proper climate.

Bananas do not grow simply from seed. Man intervened long ago and crossed two varieties of African wild bananas, the Musa acuminata and the Musa baalbisiana, got rid of the many seeds that were an unpleasant presence, and improved the flavor and texture from hard and unappetizing to its present soft and irresistibly sweet flavor.

Today bananas must be propagated from large rootstocks or rhizomes that are carefully trans-planted in a suitable climate, namely the hot tropics...(Banana.com).

So yes, the banana has an intelligent design, but the designers were humans.

And here's another thought: according to the creationist argument of Comfort and Cameron, "God" must also have made the coconut, and most of us are aware of how user-UNfriendly, THAT fruit is. You have to have a hammer to get it open. Did God, then, just want us to work harder for our food?

One commenter understood the absurdity of it all and gave me a good laugh. On a blog about this video, the commenter said, "Hey, my banana is curved AWAY from my face....oh, wait..."

The God Banana