Colorado.......I'm sure there are kindreds out there (I do have a fabulous best friend, 2 hrs away, but i mean OTHERS). I am so anxious to meet all the people in the social groups I've joined online already. The degree to which I want this move is palpable; I can think of little else, and my level of stress reflects my fear that it might be delayed, or--unimaginably--not possible at all.
Here, where I am, I always feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel like the pariah. (Don't forget, this is the Bible-Belt). I feel like most of the people I come across in this region are not on the same page with me...(careful not to sound elitist). I have to change this situation before i claw my own eyes out! I am not usually the pity-party type, but i do feel powerless in many ways, about this, yes....Hell's Bells. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm whining. I hate whiners. lol.
But I HAVE been isolated for a long time. Mostly not intentionally--it just sort of happened that way. I work at home, (so no workplace connections) don't attend church (hiss!), don't have kids, no partner, no family, (no play dates or gatherings or surrogate family) I have already done the college thing (8 years)...so yeah, since those are things that naturally encourage socializing and support networks, and just the ebb and flow of PEOPLE-- I'm in an odd, unfortunate position.
I've spent years having most of my relationships online--and we all know those aren't "real" relationships. I want IN PERSON relationships again. These are ALL good reasons I know i have to relocate to a place where there are diverse things and people--and within reach. As a real estate agent will tell you, it's about Location, location location.
Around here, everything is spread out and you have to drive all over the place to get to something, and then, there's really not that much to choose from. It's like I've discovered I'm a steak, misrouted, trapped and hiding in a baloney factory.
When you are generally from "Southern stock", it's often hard to break free of the brainwashing that goes along with it--though I was one of the first in my High School class to "get the hell outta Dodge." Many here are trained to think in the box, wear blinders, drown the boredom in liquor, and have all their information fed to them, never learning anything new because everything they could possibly need to know was handed down through the generations. ("If it was good enough fer my daddy, it's good enough fer me.") It blinds these people to all the wonderful opportunities and experiences to be had out in the world.
I have been aware of all this for a long time, but am only now figuring out what needs to happen to change the rut--the formula has been all wrong, even if the good intention was there. I tried for a long time to defend the region I've been in for large chunks of my life, (denial) and I kept moving around looking for a place to call home, and I was unhappy in every place I went, until it finally dawned on me---I'm just moving to another place like the last place. I'm always fond of reciting the definition for stupidity to everyone else: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results...then BAM! I'm the stupid one.Now, I need to shut my pie-hole.(damn novelist).
Whining Pariah
Disclaimer: This post in no way represents any doubt about what i believe as far as religion. This is just part of the journey when you seek the truth. Some of it will be hard for your emotional-self to assimilate. But i believe that solutions exist and writing about it, talking about it, is my way of finding those solutions.
This morning, after letting my dog, Giz out, and making coffee, I went back and opened the door to call Giz in, and instead of his name i just shouted, "Helloooooo!"
A sign of Ginkgo Biloba deprivation? Early onset Old-Timers disease?
Though it is my tendency (or coping mechanism) to make light of things, I think the event was much more troubling to me on another level. I think i have a deep seated-- or maybe Deep-SEEDED -- recognition of a particular Universal fact: I'm alone...there's no one "out there" to save me...but i'm still in that stage of calling out into the void, just to make sure.
On the road of life, there are leaders, followers, and those on the shoulder, trying not to get squished by the first two types who are whizzing by, while they try to fix the flat on their car, that is also just about out of gas...that's me there, with the half empty can of fix-a-flat. (Hi.) 
I have always had this "luck" issue. I've felt, as a rule, unlucky. So, naturally (?), religion, popular or esoteric belief systems, motivational speakers, and alleged "Laws of Attraction" have all appealed to me at different times in my life. All those roads led to atheism, for me. I am, and have always been, ethical, though, admittedly, angst-ridden. Even when i take on all the responsibility of making all but ONE thing happen in a given situation--the thing out of my control--it doesn't happen, and I am unable to reach some of my most important goals. This example and others like it have led me to examine this subject more deeply. Since my induction into unbelief, when I feel powerless, there's no one to blame, no one to make deals with, no spells to cast, no one to pray to--it just IS. But this is the embodiment of "isness" that is anything but Zen.
While I am completely onboard intellectually, in this atheistic personal cosmology, I still struggle with the emotional and philosophical aspects. It's like the adult in me made the decision and moved on, but found the child crying, and had to take her by the hand and find some way to reassure her that everything will be all right....that concept, that paradigm, is a metaphor for the larger picture. I am aware of the almost genetic need of humans to have something bigger than themselves, someone in charge, some Universal Parent who gives them a sense of protection and safety. But i know there is no Universal Parent, and this leaves me orphaned near this swirling black hole, and I am on its Event Horizon, nanoseconds away from getting sucked into the nihilistic abyss. How do I reconcile Emotion and Intellect in this matter? How do i frame my personal cosmology? How do i "de-program" my mind from this cultural-psycho-social-childish need for a greater power than myself, from whom I can seek help and comfort?
As I've said, you have to be able to recognize your truths in the daylight before you can find them in the dark. I need to understand this so that I won't have a constant battle inside myself, like one of my gay-Christian friends who believes she will burn in Hell for being gay, yet still worships this god of hers. I would, literally and with literary allusion, be going from the Frying Pan into the Fire.Does my luck have anything at all to do with my personal cosmology and how I assimilate it, or are they two different things altogether?
Anything But Zen
